Why do I even care?
Nobody really cares they just care enough to play me and use me in the end.
I regret what I said to you.
I knew it would come back to haunt me.
I knew when I woke up this morning four hours after I went to bed that this day was going to be hell.
Its been worse then I expected though.
I feel hurt and used
I feel like i've been lied too
If you want to talk you need to talk to me first cause im not making that first move
its one of those days were how I feel means absolutley nothing
you have two choices, a stop being nice to me
or b be more straight up with what you mean with me. cause I cant take this.
I die then I come back to life at least once if not more everyday.
I'd much rather be miserable everyday instead of being rehurt everyday

Seven Years

Once upon a time there was a little a fourteen year old middle schooler named Jessica who had epilepsy since age three.... She was having between twenty to hundreds of seizures every night and her seizures were not under control no matter how many pills she was taking. She at one point was taking up to 30 pills a day.  After a couple declines from the doctors at Children Hospital she was finally accepted to go ahead and have brain surgery on August 14, 2004. She had approximately 1/3 of her brain removed cause it was infected with dead cells.  She has been seizure free ever since.

Having epilepsy has never been an issue for her. She always felt lucky that she had epilepsy because she was different then everyone else and she did not want to be like the everyone. She loved going to hospitals and seeing doctors. Yes people put her down, said she was retarded, and found her to be scary but she knew better than that. So she never let it get to her. Quite frankly she has always wondered why people aspire to be like other people. It just sounds so pointless to her. Why would you want to be somebody else when you can be a better version of yourself than you could ever be of someone else.

I remember when I had Auras (a mini seizure that alerts you a bigger seizure is on its way) I always liked the way they felt. They made my head numb and tingly. It boggles my mind why people are so glad I don't have epilepsy anymore. I think I know the answer to that question but I don't think It was as big of a problem as people made it minus the fact they paid hundreds of dollars for it. It made me happy when I seizured actually. It also made me feel independent because sometimes I would have to take care of myself at school and teach kids that I am not some scary monster. I used to read all my classes a book on the first day of school so they could understand me better.  Its like having Epilepsy gave me the confidence that I cant find anywhere else. Then after I had my brain surgery all my confidence dwindled I have yet to find it again.

Some of the most famous people in the world had or have Epilepsy yet they still had a great life and made something of themselves. Sometimes you have to be different in order to see the world in a more abstract way and not through the lenses of society. Difference is beautiful because it means your being true to yourself with who you are and not letting society run your life for you..... These are just a few of them......


     Artist- Vincent van Gogh - (1853 - 1890)




         Singer- Neil Young - (born November 12, 1945)



Writer- Agatha Christie - (15 September 1890 - 12 January 1976)




Writer- Charles Dickens (17 February 1812 - 9 June 1870),




Emperor- Alexander the Great (July 20, 356 BC - June 10, 323 BC),



Actor, producer and humanitarian - Danny Glover - (Born July 22, 1947)




Chemist - Alfred Nobel - (October 21, 1833, Stockholm, Sweden - December 10, 1896


Artist- Michelangelo - (March 6, 1475 - February 18, 1564)



Artist - Leonardo Da Vinci - (April 15, 1452 - May 2, 1519)



American author, poet, editor and literary critic - Edgar Allan Poe - (January 19, 1809 - October 7, 1849)


Philospher - Aristotle - (384 BC - 322 BC)


26th President of the U.S. - Theodore Roosevelt - (October 27, 1858 - January 6, 1919)


Pianist - Peter Tchaikovsky  (May 7, 1840 - November 6, 1893)

POP

Dear dad you clueless bastard. saying I'm on the phone to you is not derogatory. Its called I'm on the phone I can't talk to you right now. It's my conversation and you are not included. Stop budging into my conversations and assuming people don't understand me. just because you don't get me doesn't mean the person on the other end of the conversation doesn't get me. cause actually the other person gets me all the time. Also just because I explain myself doesn't mean oh they don't get me it means I'm a girl and that's what we do we explain things into great lengths. I see no reason for me to apologize for saying I'm on the phone dad" you say that means your a moron but in reality it doesn't mean your a moron it means dad I am on the phone so shut your fucken pie hole. And yes its true your a fucken dramaqueen.

I really don't know how much more of you I can take before I move out. two weeks seem to far away and too risky. no I can not see any therapist til school starts as no therapist is on campus and free right now.

Yes I secretly left the apartment last night because I could not stand being in this god damn house. listening to you and your shitty ass porn. Dad you have no clue what I was doing to myself last night. I was chocking myself with cords, writing over myself, stabbing myself in the head, bitting myself. Contemplating if I should purposefully poison myself with that cleaner thats right by my bed. Thinking about how I am going to kill myself when you finally go to bed. Thinking where is a huge body of water I can go to right now so I can jump in it and die. I was already writing my suicide note to you only it was more for Jayme and not you cause you don't care and you just don't think things through.

I love talking to myself till the brink of crying cause you don't give a fuck. It feels nice to let how I feel loose even if no one is here to listen to me or is open enough to understand and doesn't scare me. Sometimes I get confused if how I feel is me really needing answers and clueless as to who I should talk to or where to turn and scared to open up or me not comfortable with who I am.

Invisibility

Well today started out great. We went shopping for shower slippers. We went to 3 different stores just to find a pair that works for me. Minus the fact that he kept knowingly showing me men's shoes trying to get me to wear them it was a surprisingly good shopping trip with him. I really don't feel right wearing man shoes.

So then I began talking to him saying how ridiculously stupid it is that people are saying that gay marriage is worse than the murders that happened in Norway! He did not even look at me or say a word to me. I know he heard me because when I first said his name to get his attention he said "Huh"then that was it. I hate that I cant have an intellectual conversation with you. The only thing that we can really talk about is food and chances are that gets you mad as well. Its hard enough getting through this depression and pain with out meds and substance abuse but I think I'm going to become one of those gays  that steers away from her parents. Damn I cant wait til I send you that letter. things will bubble between us like never before. Sorry but I am not as clueless you cant hid anymore.


He made dinner. Once we began to eat he finished up his chicken and did not feel like getting up to get his salad so he began picking his nose right in front of my eating my food. When I saw that I was like" May I get you your salad" He responded with yes. I was like are you that lame that your to lazy to get up and get your salad yourself that you have to pick your nose and worse yet do it in front of me when I'm eating. ugh. Then you cant even clean your dishes on your own you hand them to me when I am going back to sit down. I realize I am your kid and I have to do stuff around the house to balance out the money you bring in but I'm not your effin slave.

A Halloween Without Police

Four weeks mom. Four weeks. Does it feel nice?

It feels like spiders keep crawling on my skin. Disturbing and uncomfortable. They make my body numb. If something were to happen to me I think I would want to be numb. That way I cant feel anything. Put numbing cream all over my body.Will I ever feel comfortable with my life that you will stay away from me. Safe enough to love? How far away do I have to go to get away? This just popped in my head but how come I never got a piece of paper saying you can't come near me like I did with the last one.

Growth?

Tonight I went to a huge Fancy fan appreciation dinner with the epilepsy foundation. I saw one of my favorite friends their. His name is Chris. I was telling him how I plan to apply to be a Skeleton Crew girl but I have to wait til October because chances are that's when the job offers will come out for it sense that's when the hockey season starts. He works with the Admirals as a Sports Geek. So he told me he would talk to John the person who is in charge of all that stuff when it comes to hiring people. He told me I need to tell him when I can come down and talk to John. I guess I need to touch up on my skating skills. I should talk to my friend about going to the Petit Center of something.I think that's my first step other than making my resume which is really nude. Hope I get it. I think I can get to the Bradley Center from Alverno pretty easily that would be cool. Whoa what a life change that would be. Think about it  I live away from my dad for the first time in my life and I get a job at the same time or soon there after. Its scary, nerve wracking and enlightening all at the same time.

Dear Dad

I feel like I’m growing apart from you for plenty more reasons then what are listed below but I’m sick of it. You are really annoying, you don’t realize what you do or say and how it affects me (a lot like how mom didn’t) you think you can still take control of me the ways you had to before because when I was a retarded child you make me do stuff that I don’t have to like theirs no way around it! You know absolutely nothing about me either.  I swear I could ask you the easiest question like What’s my favorite band and you’d have no clue who it is. For crying out loud I think my twitter followers would know the answer to that one. Even Mom the person I haven’t talked to for about 3 years now would know the answer. My sister the one I have never lived with in my life absolutely positively knows the answers. Jayme knows more about me then you do!  And she’s not in the room right next do me 24/7. I cant talk to you about nothing in my life because you just don’t get it and theres absolutely no one here to support me and be my back bone when I have to face you. The only real strong support I got is 6 hours away from me. Another reason I need out of here. I need to be somewhere where I am supported and not closeted. Is it any wonder why I am so unhappy here. You never talk about the good things in life only the bad things and I’m stuck having to let you vent to me. It’s one thing to vent dad but can you try to see the good in it too.  You never say good job anymore. All you see is the bad. You see the bad in people you see the bad in relationships. I don’t get along with people like you.  You touch me like I’m your girlfriend or something. You put your hands on my legs the way my partner should. You place your hands on my ass. When you do that I am dying inside it freaks me out. It may be done over my clothes buts it’s not any less creepy than if it was Jeff or Michael. Its weirds me out. i just want to push your hands off me but then you'll freak out on me and start screaming if i do that.  Have to live through the pain to avoid more pain i guess. Quite frankly it makes me very suspicious of you. It make me wonder what stuff did you do to me really when I would be drugged  with all my medicine, and unconscious from my diastat. Did you like having to touch my butt and squeeze my butt checks tight. Did you like it. What did you do to me that I have no clue about?

My Sister

This morning I was reading all the blog posts my sister has ever posted from like 2004 -2011. It made me very happy to call her my sister. Back in 2004 my sister lived with me and she showed me this blog she made about my waking up to a bag full of my hair. Ever since that day I have been like I have to find that post again. There has to be more. It took me a couple of years but I found it. It was really mind blowing to read them. All her thoughts and experiences were really insightful. Things that I never knew happened to her and to me. Most of the stuff I don't even remember doing or happening. The things you learn wow! Wow I love the way my sister thinks she blows my mind. She has a style to her. I really like how she was saying that my bad brain was so smart that it began to kill off the good brain.  I don't think I ever realized what this put her though. I think I just trusted doctors to much that it never hit me that I could of died. I love going to hospitals. People actually care about me and honestly want me to be happy. My body and brain gets all tingly in a good way. Kind of like when you listen to a good song and it hits you in all the right spots and you get goosebumps. Reading all her posts made me really think about what I remember and who I remember coming to see me at the hospital.  I remember a time when I woke up to a soaking wet bed and hospital gown  because my IV came apart in the middle of the night (or so I think it was night) and I screamed for my mom. My moms boyfriend would always be there with her. I don't even want to think about him being all alone with me even though i know he was.  Then I remember when my sister sat next to my bed feeding me waffles or pancakes. It was really nice of her to do that while my mom and dad were just talking to each other. Then I remember my dad eating my food up on me. So again the majority of my memories all include her. She talked about this in her post but I remember this very clearly. Her friend Andrew would call us up just to say hi and check up with us. I remember a specific call my sister was standing to the left of my bed and she was on the phone with Andrew. Then she put the phone to my ear and he started talking to me and saying hi. I was probably not capable of having a conversation at least not one that went farther than HI and Bye. I have to wonder why I did not want to hug her though. It seemed kinda strange to me. I must have been on alot of drugs or something cause I don't know why I would not do that. I mean now the only thing I want to do is hug her all the time. I never heard half these things. I secretly think shes the only one who knows this stuff. Theres no way my dad or mom would know this. I wonder if my dad had to do drugs to get through all of this. Of course he did! He didn't stop til I was all better. Personally I think he quit then out of fear that I'd figure him out. I never knew that I was bleeding. Plus I totally forgot about how my eye had swollen to the point that I could barely see out of it.  I don't remember all this pain that she describes me being in. I know that the morphine sent me on some wild rides. I really cherished that yellow bucket that had to be left by the side of my bed. I remember the doctors shooting Tylenol up my IV. I can picture it because I ordered my Grandma Wilma Drink (OJ and white soda) when she came to give me the Tylenol. 

After I came home to my apt. It was very late at night so i had to go to bed.  Something very special happened that night. I was laying in my bed getting ready to sleep my lights were turned off I was under the covers. My sister came in to tuck me in and she knelt down by the side of my bed and said goodnight to me and that she loved me. This sense of safety and calmness rushed over me. I think it was that moment in time that I realized that she cared for me. Never felt such a thing before.

I think I looked cool with my hair half short and half long

Quite frankly I think I looked better here than i did with my hair buzzed off.

                    My sister made this for me when i was in the hospital. i still have it to this day.

She was a teacher at the time when she made this and she would tell me stories how she would talk about me with her class because they all wondered who this picture was for.

So I just have to say that my sister is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Shes better than not having seizures. Shes better than going to Alverno. If Wisconsin were to give Gays equal rights my sister would still be better! Shes just the most amazing thing ever. Shes the one thing that has always been there for me and figured out a way to show she cares even if it was from 1 hour , 6 hours or 30 hours away from me. I love her. Personally I think I knew she was my strength because I brought my USC hippo beanie baby with me to the hospital because she gave it to me. Not to mention I named it Jayme the Hippo. Nothing could possibly top how great it is to have her as my sister. Nothing! I love you Jayme. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jayme The Hippo

Parent(s)

What is a parent? Not as in what a parent does and what makes them a good parent rather if you looked at the person or persons that raised you could you without holding back call them your parent? Is it true that you never really know what or how much you learned from your "parents" till your let free. Despite the fact that I am only twenty and have just now started to unlock the chain that I am under that was preventing me from spreading my wings I can honestly say I do not think I have really learned much from my parents (There's that word again!). Maybe once i get out on my own I will discover something I learned but I cant see it it will probably just be a bunch of flashbacks.  If I learned anything from them its stay away from drugs and alcohol. That's probably the only good thing I can think of right now. On the other hand I can think how both my parents influenced the way my emotions work. Its kind of funny that I do not have bipolarism because of them. I mean for a week and a half I would have to hold my emotions in, never show it and hid in my room while every other weekend I would cry and get mad and show my emotions. One of them wonders why I don't smile but I look right at their face and I'm like (to myself) "Well when do you smile?"NEVER! all you teach me is that life's always going to be this crumby so you just have to get used to it. Was that suppose to help me not kill myself or what was the point in telling me that?!?! Then when I was visiting my mom she would never smile either it was just a perfect line on her face. But as for like teaching me values like religion or something like that. There was no such thing. It seems like everything I learned from the people who took turns raising me are all things that they scared into me. like don't do drugs, don't go crazy with alcohol, though they did not teach me anti-Christianity the way they preached it was very scary and overwhelming so I never liked it or enjoyed it. My mom never told me anything that caught my attention or taught me anything. That's probably because when ever I asked her to do something with me it was always "I cant I got a headache", or "I cant that's for your dad to do", "I cant my feet hurt, I cant I'm tired." The only catchy thing I was ever told by my dad that has really stuck with me was something to the effect of  "If you give up now your giving up on all the people you could of helped".I don't think anyone has really taught me to be strong their just people walking around in the world. boring and dull.   I think some of us just call our mom and dad parents because it has been thrown at us for so long but do you really feel that way?  All they are, are people that raised you and for some odd reason won a front row seat to your life. I mean to some extent I was raised by a sex offender, a drunk, a druggie, an enraged hulk and a crazy christian... yay I feel so lucky.!!!........... not! I'm not gonna go calling those people my parents! They are just people. The word "parent" should be totally erased by the American dictionary in my opinion. The only good thing about the word parent really is that it is a gender-free word.

Here I Go Again On My Own

I feel that I should give this place another semester. Maybe once I move away and am on my own things will begin to look up.  Moving away will eliminate lots of things and then I will be able to clean my slate of lots of little things that have been building up inside me for years. I will be able to write my dad and tell him how I really feel.

So far I have been told that my teachers that I will have next semester are good and nice to their students. I talked to my advisor and she told me that I was just handed lots of bad luck this past semester along side lots of  insanely tough picky teachers.

I asked my teacher if there was another teacher that teaches the art class I did no good at and she said that it is all a matter of luck. It really frightens me that I might have to deal with this teacher again.

My advisor tells me that you did not mean to insult me and that I need to figure out how to separate how you make me feel and my studies but I find that impossible when you treat me the way you do.

How am I suppose to feel when I am the only one that needs to keep doing things over and over and over again. Smart? I don't think so! When your name is called out in front of your whole class from day one to past the end of the semester and your teacher announces "Jessica (Mindy) I need to talk to you privately just to tell you that you need to redo this thing AGAIN". No one elses name is being called out as much as mine.

How do you think I feel when it is the end of the semester and I still am redoing things that were from unit 1. Or even if everyone is on the next unit closing in on the end and I still cant get unit 1 and now I am behind in everything else.

A part of me knows that there is probably no other school in Wisconsin that will have a learning system that will be good for me. But nothing is clicking with me.  I know college is going to be difficult no matter what I major in or where I go but something doesn't feel right. Is my problem just that I am getting bored with my school very quickly.  I am sure people at UWM do not have this problem.

The majority of me wishes there was a school that had Alverno's educating system only with a little more guidance with an environment and community like UW Madison. I would never get bored and have the help I need plus more. I do not want my teachers to hold my hand but they do not do enough as it is to help me understand stuff.

Is art therapy what I want to do?  I do enjoy making art and helping people but is this what is best for me. I do not know. Is it just the school or is it me?

Rotten Shoes

My life fucken sucks right now.
Everything inside of me is starting to surface in ways I never would have thought they would.
You were the only one out of everybody to never hurt me, scare me, called me names, or do any other sort of painful thing to me. Yet your also the only one that is causing me all this pain that I feel now a days. All this pain has made me realize that I am not mad at you for leaving me, I'm mad and jealous because all your "local" friends get to celebrate your strides with you but I'm stuck over here and I cant do squat for you to show you how proud I am of you and how happy I am for you. They get to go out with you while I'm over here and all I can do is send you my love via the telephone and a letter.  It hurts and it makes me cry. like it has for the past three days now. its not the same. I want to be able to hug and kiss you. Do you know how happy it made me when I kissed you. I probably haven't kissed you since I was like five. If I did I sure don't remember it.  I felt like I was finally getting through to you how much I love you. It also made me realize that I don't want you back home I just need to be close enough to you that I can leave you alone so you can spread your wings and fly how you want to but near enough that we can hang out and support each other and be there for each other through the thick and thin. Don't tell me that we would find away to see each other if something happened because that not what I want. I want us to be able to drive the car to each other so we can celebrate special events and hold each other up when we are crashing down. I want to hear you voice on more then a telephone or computer. Sometimes I watch your videos not for the content but for the sound of your voice. Now this I mean I always knew this time would come. Not that you really had a family here in the first place but it pains me because your new family knows you better than me; someone who is your blood family. I don't know who you are I never really did but I knew you enough to take precautions when you came over and make it work for you. I have at least seven more years of college left if not more. You'll almost be forty by then and I would still have no fucken relationship with you and no clue who you are. It pains me to think that I could be so damn old but still not know who you are. I really just want to move to where you are after I am done with school. (I was thinking that maybe I could just go to school there after my masters since they offer what I want from my states college but I cant cause I love me some jump around.) Though I want to be there for my other family I find it to be so easy to just leave them alone. I feel like you are even more less of the family becasue you will soon not even be one of me i think you always wanted to be something other then me cause you dislike it so much. Secondly, I am just afraid; afraid to be alone. I do not know how to do squat in this world. I know I am young and some of its just a matter of learning but the rest of it i just cant do. This world seems to be a filled with a bunch of lunatics, crying and pain and that's all it ever will be. There's nothing great about being alive. No that's not a suicidal warning but seriously there's never a happy day like it used to be. I haven't been happy for years and I have no clue what it was that made me so happy. I used to smile but now I cant bring my face to hold a smile its always a frown.  Maybe that's why I wish I was still sick with Epilepsy. Did you know that alot of my epilepsy medications is also used to cure depression/bipolar disorder maybe that's why I was always so much more happy because the pills were doing there job and increasing my serotonin levels I have always wondered why after they did work on my brain that life seemed to suck badly afterwords.

My Acrylic Face

Out of all the crazyness that happened in my art class this semester. . . This is the only thing I really got out of it. All my other pieces look shitty.  its a self portrait ... enjoy

Mismatched Shoes

Today was an interesting morning. I had my art therapy today. I got to talking with this art therapy intern. We will call her Anne. Anne was very nice to talk to about my gender identity. I realized that the reason that art therapy only helps me during the art therapy sessions is because I am talking to someone. Who listens to me while I make the art and they take the time to understand me. It made me understand why I am really uncomfortable talking to my dad. It is not because he scares and he’s a big strong man. It is because he never just shuts up and listens to me. I do not always want you to respond to what iIam saying. Just sit there and listen please! He always has to find something to tell me that I should have done instead. Is it hard for you to just sit back and try to understand? During art therapy I also realized just how split I am with my gender and personality.  I said this out loud a couple of times but the last time I said it. My art therapist asked me to repeat what I said. When I told her what I said she said "Well that’s something new. What’s that about?" I was standing next to Anne, everyone was staring at me. I responded with I cannot talk about that at least not in front of all these people while there just staring at me. If you want to know you can ask Anne she knows exactly what I am talking about. My dad’s in the background saying stuff like it is because I am here right? I did not respond because I knew this was him just acting out looking for attention. I am sorry I do not talk to you about everything in my life. But you cannot understand a lot of it. You will just tell me that it is fake and just a phase. Just like what you did when I told you I find women attractive.  Do you really think that is good for me to hear when I am on the edge about myself? Like today during art therapy we had to make a sound that described how we felt at the current moment. Deep down inside I wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time.  But I went yay! Instead because I knew if I were to cry I would of had to explain to him and the others why I felt this way. Then I told him that I was feeling more than one feeling but I only showed one. He went well "Then you should of put it together to make one sound"  I am already on the edge but this did not help me at all. It would help if you actually tried to acknowledge my feeling for a change instead of just throwing them aside. I know you are afraid to let me go. I know you uncomfortable with all this. But you do not need to take it out on me. It is not doing you any good. It is just making me want to move out even more. You do not know me as well as you think. Like the other day when you got mad at me for telling you that you have no clue what I eat. You were like why in the world would you say that!  You don’t know me.  You know the mentally retarded girl you created for me but you do not know ME! You think you do then you go around talking about me like you know me and it really bugs me because then the people you talk about me with think they know me as well and I have to pretend to be someone I am not just to make you happy and not embarrassed of me. You truly are embarrassed of me because you declined my wanting to be a vegetarian right in front to your friend. You said "No you will not you love my food!"  Do having veggie daughters embarrass you that badly? I feel like I live in a world of gothic sheep while I am the hot pink one and everyone can see right through me. So misunderstood. There’s no one to talk to that will understand me for me.  The bisexual, genderqueer, epileptic, veggie eater that I am.  Not the straight carnivore female retarded daughter you think I am. The people I know who would understand will not believe me because I did not tell them this right away and did not understand this part of me.  Do you feel that I’m not real like a fake pretend one? Do you know what it is like to be dying inside and to not be able to share it? It hurts really badly. It’s bittersweet like sugar and salt.  I want you to know I am happy but I cannot do that because you won’t like it. Then I see you laughing your butt off having fun and I’m dying inside. You are so clueless about everything around you and who I am and what I do. Almost everything you make for dinner I never try but you cannot see that.

The Shoe of Everlasting Frustration

             

It makes me sad some times when I see a parent take care of their "special" child I mean all the stuff they have to do I know they do it out of love. People tell me it does not matter cause the child does not know any better because their so out of it and that it does not bug them. But I really hate it when people say this. Besides, the special child can improve and how do you know what the child is feeling inside. I know from experience that I do not know how bad things really are but as I grew older and was given a chance in life I realized my learning development was somewhat up to speed. People say it is because I’m special that I am not up to par. Do people even think about what they are saying before they say it? I am twenty years old in college and I still hear this excuse from my teachers. To say that a special child who’s mentally capability is limited of understanding stuff and does not realize that they are sick or disabled is just wrong. I knew I was sick but I did not care. Did I understand how sick I was? No! I still do not know, but life keeps testing my abilities and it has shown that I need more help just doing and understanding normal stuff that comes with life. Let me make this clear I am not physically challenged I only have a learning disability. It was way worse when I was younger. I mean do not get me wrong I think specially challenged people should test their abilities and not just let their disability take control but sometimes I feel like trying to do things that are above me are just pointless because I never can do them. Then people think we are just lazy like we did not try hard enough. Im sorry but a least we are trying there’s students who do not even try to do their homework. Im putting forth effort in order to do well, sometimes it just takes longer for me. Yes I know sometimes it takes to long. Like days, weeks and months but I cant make my brain function any faster so don’t dislike me because of something that’s out of my control.



Sometimes I wish my mother had not of drank any beer when I was in her. Would i of turned out differently. Would I have not been born with epilepsy? Would I still have the rest of my brain? Would my brain process things faster? Is it even your fault for my dead cells? I am proud to be a learning disabled person do not get me wrong but sometimes it is such a pain. It’s not that big of a deal to me I’ll do what I have to do what I have to. I hate having to try twice as hard to do the same exact stuff a non-disabled person would understand and be efficient at faster. Then sometimes people get the idea that we must not being trying all these different things to do right but i always fail at them. I do not know what my problem is. and must not care about you education because we cannot seem to do anything right. It’s not my fault I was given this brain. I cannot do anything to make myself understand you any quicker. I’m sorry I do not understand myself. Just because it takes me forever to figure out what it is I need does not mean I do not care. It makes me feel like crap when I cannot do anything right. I mean I have been trying to do the right things in my art class since the very first day but it never seems to be what I was supposed to do. The things that the teacher asked me to do after the fact were good ideas. Thing is do not get mad at me just because I did not do it. I'm sorry the simplest things that I should of known to do not cross my mind. Do you know how that makes me feel? It’s no wonder why I feel so stupid and out of place all the time. If you were going to not accept something I did because I did it with the wrong utensils then you should of said that you must use blah blah blah utensils otherwise you will have to do it over again. Then there are the people who underestimate us. I understand that there are people out there who need all that help because their state of mind is just not up to par but that does not mean that all of us need to be treated like that. Some of us actually have potential. If you always treat us like that we are never going to get anywhere in life. You have to challenge us to do better in order for us to improve. Yes we will make mistakes but who doesn't. Don't you have faith in us or are we that much of a lost cause that you can't believe.