Mismatched Shoes

Today was an interesting morning. I had my art therapy today. I got to talking with this art therapy intern. We will call her Anne. Anne was very nice to talk to about my gender identity. I realized that the reason that art therapy only helps me during the art therapy sessions is because I am talking to someone. Who listens to me while I make the art and they take the time to understand me. It made me understand why I am really uncomfortable talking to my dad. It is not because he scares and he’s a big strong man. It is because he never just shuts up and listens to me. I do not always want you to respond to what iIam saying. Just sit there and listen please! He always has to find something to tell me that I should have done instead. Is it hard for you to just sit back and try to understand? During art therapy I also realized just how split I am with my gender and personality.  I said this out loud a couple of times but the last time I said it. My art therapist asked me to repeat what I said. When I told her what I said she said "Well that’s something new. What’s that about?" I was standing next to Anne, everyone was staring at me. I responded with I cannot talk about that at least not in front of all these people while there just staring at me. If you want to know you can ask Anne she knows exactly what I am talking about. My dad’s in the background saying stuff like it is because I am here right? I did not respond because I knew this was him just acting out looking for attention. I am sorry I do not talk to you about everything in my life. But you cannot understand a lot of it. You will just tell me that it is fake and just a phase. Just like what you did when I told you I find women attractive.  Do you really think that is good for me to hear when I am on the edge about myself? Like today during art therapy we had to make a sound that described how we felt at the current moment. Deep down inside I wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time.  But I went yay! Instead because I knew if I were to cry I would of had to explain to him and the others why I felt this way. Then I told him that I was feeling more than one feeling but I only showed one. He went well "Then you should of put it together to make one sound"  I am already on the edge but this did not help me at all. It would help if you actually tried to acknowledge my feeling for a change instead of just throwing them aside. I know you are afraid to let me go. I know you uncomfortable with all this. But you do not need to take it out on me. It is not doing you any good. It is just making me want to move out even more. You do not know me as well as you think. Like the other day when you got mad at me for telling you that you have no clue what I eat. You were like why in the world would you say that!  You don’t know me.  You know the mentally retarded girl you created for me but you do not know ME! You think you do then you go around talking about me like you know me and it really bugs me because then the people you talk about me with think they know me as well and I have to pretend to be someone I am not just to make you happy and not embarrassed of me. You truly are embarrassed of me because you declined my wanting to be a vegetarian right in front to your friend. You said "No you will not you love my food!"  Do having veggie daughters embarrass you that badly? I feel like I live in a world of gothic sheep while I am the hot pink one and everyone can see right through me. So misunderstood. There’s no one to talk to that will understand me for me.  The bisexual, genderqueer, epileptic, veggie eater that I am.  Not the straight carnivore female retarded daughter you think I am. The people I know who would understand will not believe me because I did not tell them this right away and did not understand this part of me.  Do you feel that I’m not real like a fake pretend one? Do you know what it is like to be dying inside and to not be able to share it? It hurts really badly. It’s bittersweet like sugar and salt.  I want you to know I am happy but I cannot do that because you won’t like it. Then I see you laughing your butt off having fun and I’m dying inside. You are so clueless about everything around you and who I am and what I do. Almost everything you make for dinner I never try but you cannot see that.

The Shoe of Everlasting Frustration

             

It makes me sad some times when I see a parent take care of their "special" child I mean all the stuff they have to do I know they do it out of love. People tell me it does not matter cause the child does not know any better because their so out of it and that it does not bug them. But I really hate it when people say this. Besides, the special child can improve and how do you know what the child is feeling inside. I know from experience that I do not know how bad things really are but as I grew older and was given a chance in life I realized my learning development was somewhat up to speed. People say it is because I’m special that I am not up to par. Do people even think about what they are saying before they say it? I am twenty years old in college and I still hear this excuse from my teachers. To say that a special child who’s mentally capability is limited of understanding stuff and does not realize that they are sick or disabled is just wrong. I knew I was sick but I did not care. Did I understand how sick I was? No! I still do not know, but life keeps testing my abilities and it has shown that I need more help just doing and understanding normal stuff that comes with life. Let me make this clear I am not physically challenged I only have a learning disability. It was way worse when I was younger. I mean do not get me wrong I think specially challenged people should test their abilities and not just let their disability take control but sometimes I feel like trying to do things that are above me are just pointless because I never can do them. Then people think we are just lazy like we did not try hard enough. Im sorry but a least we are trying there’s students who do not even try to do their homework. Im putting forth effort in order to do well, sometimes it just takes longer for me. Yes I know sometimes it takes to long. Like days, weeks and months but I cant make my brain function any faster so don’t dislike me because of something that’s out of my control.



Sometimes I wish my mother had not of drank any beer when I was in her. Would i of turned out differently. Would I have not been born with epilepsy? Would I still have the rest of my brain? Would my brain process things faster? Is it even your fault for my dead cells? I am proud to be a learning disabled person do not get me wrong but sometimes it is such a pain. It’s not that big of a deal to me I’ll do what I have to do what I have to. I hate having to try twice as hard to do the same exact stuff a non-disabled person would understand and be efficient at faster. Then sometimes people get the idea that we must not being trying all these different things to do right but i always fail at them. I do not know what my problem is. and must not care about you education because we cannot seem to do anything right. It’s not my fault I was given this brain. I cannot do anything to make myself understand you any quicker. I’m sorry I do not understand myself. Just because it takes me forever to figure out what it is I need does not mean I do not care. It makes me feel like crap when I cannot do anything right. I mean I have been trying to do the right things in my art class since the very first day but it never seems to be what I was supposed to do. The things that the teacher asked me to do after the fact were good ideas. Thing is do not get mad at me just because I did not do it. I'm sorry the simplest things that I should of known to do not cross my mind. Do you know how that makes me feel? It’s no wonder why I feel so stupid and out of place all the time. If you were going to not accept something I did because I did it with the wrong utensils then you should of said that you must use blah blah blah utensils otherwise you will have to do it over again. Then there are the people who underestimate us. I understand that there are people out there who need all that help because their state of mind is just not up to par but that does not mean that all of us need to be treated like that. Some of us actually have potential. If you always treat us like that we are never going to get anywhere in life. You have to challenge us to do better in order for us to improve. Yes we will make mistakes but who doesn't. Don't you have faith in us or are we that much of a lost cause that you can't believe.