Today was an interesting morning. I had my art therapy today. I got to talking with this art therapy intern. We will call her Anne. Anne was very nice to talk to about my gender identity. I realized that the reason that art therapy only helps me during the art therapy sessions is because I am talking to someone. Who listens to me while I make the art and they take the time to understand me. It made me understand why I am really uncomfortable talking to my dad. It is not because he scares and he’s a big strong man. It is because he never just shuts up and listens to me. I do not always want you to respond to what iIam saying. Just sit there and listen please! He always has to find something to tell me that I should have done instead. Is it hard for you to just sit back and try to understand? During art therapy I also realized just how split I am with my gender and personality. I said this out loud a couple of times but the last time I said it. My art therapist asked me to repeat what I said. When I told her what I said she said "Well that’s something new. What’s that about?" I was standing next to Anne, everyone was staring at me. I responded with I cannot talk about that at least not in front of all these people while there just staring at me. If you want to know you can ask Anne she knows exactly what I am talking about. My dad’s in the background saying stuff like it is because I am here right? I did not respond because I knew this was him just acting out looking for attention. I am sorry I do not talk to you about everything in my life. But you cannot understand a lot of it. You will just tell me that it is fake and just a phase. Just like what you did when I told you I find women attractive. Do you really think that is good for me to hear when I am on the edge about myself? Like today during art therapy we had to make a sound that described how we felt at the current moment. Deep down inside I wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time. But I went yay! Instead because I knew if I were to cry I would of had to explain to him and the others why I felt this way. Then I told him that I was feeling more than one feeling but I only showed one. He went well "Then you should of put it together to make one sound" I am already on the edge but this did not help me at all. It would help if you actually tried to acknowledge my feeling for a change instead of just throwing them aside. I know you are afraid to let me go. I know you uncomfortable with all this. But you do not need to take it out on me. It is not doing you any good. It is just making me want to move out even more. You do not know me as well as you think. Like the other day when you got mad at me for telling you that you have no clue what I eat. You were like why in the world would you say that! You don’t know me. You know the mentally retarded girl you created for me but you do not know ME! You think you do then you go around talking about me like you know me and it really bugs me because then the people you talk about me with think they know me as well and I have to pretend to be someone I am not just to make you happy and not embarrassed of me. You truly are embarrassed of me because you declined my wanting to be a vegetarian right in front to your friend. You said "No you will not you love my food!" Do having veggie daughters embarrass you that badly? I feel like I live in a world of gothic sheep while I am the hot pink one and everyone can see right through me. So misunderstood. There’s no one to talk to that will understand me for me. The bisexual, genderqueer, epileptic, veggie eater that I am. Not the straight carnivore female retarded daughter you think I am. The people I know who would understand will not believe me because I did not tell them this right away and did not understand this part of me. Do you feel that I’m not real like a fake pretend one? Do you know what it is like to be dying inside and to not be able to share it? It hurts really badly. It’s bittersweet like sugar and salt. I want you to know I am happy but I cannot do that because you won’t like it. Then I see you laughing your butt off having fun and I’m dying inside. You are so clueless about everything around you and who I am and what I do. Almost everything you make for dinner I never try but you cannot see that.
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