welcome back. . . .

I haven't wrote on this forever because i thoughts i was over having all these non sense problems but i guess i'm not. So here i am again.

Life is just a big black cloud. theres nothing awesome about it. I mean she is whats awesome about it but like thats wrong of me to think so theres nothing fucking awesome about life.

I want my life with her to be awesome and beautiful and not like this.
But i feel stuck and just disgusting.

I know she is hurting. I know I should just let her be and not put any of my feelings on her so thats what I am going to try to do. Whats going to happen when she is here and I can't hide my feelings as well.

I feel like this family thinks i am really close to whatever friends i had from milwaukee. Sure I have more friends in Milwaukee but none of them are the type you call up if you need to vent. Plus theres only 2 of them that are truly good friends.

I had one friend for that reason and I just don't find her reliable. and the Bestie definitely isn't reliable. I never have gone to Bestie for venting purposes other than when i was dealing with the pervy roommate.

Everyone keeps saying "but you do have friends" But they don't understand. I don't have friends here.

Mom keeps saying how she has all these friends she never had before so she is coming at this from a different place and I just have to wonder how many of these people are going to be her friends after she graduates.  I had so many more friends in college but most of us lost touch after college so it doesn't really matter anymore.

Do they understand it is hard for me to have friends after school ended since i don't drive. I never hung out with any of my other friends post college. Only daughter and bestie.

But I feel so twisted because I am supposed to make the first move but I want to just leave her be. I dont want any love or affection but she says it is helping her to move on but like it makes me feel like shit

but im just going to sit here and smile my way through this.
Cause i know i would beat myself up if i lost her.
I don't want to lose her

I feel like a really bad toxic person in her life

I love her

Sometimes I think maybe I should just go to school without her then I can have friends and she can be get the space she needs. but then again once I leave college again i will just lose those friends.

I know she says she doesn't want me to be on my own and that she thinks it is bad for our relationship but i am going to try to be on my own anyways then we will see what is really bad for us.

Can we even handle being together for her birthday

we have fought two Sundays in a row now
maybe theres a pattern arising

I talked to an online chatline before work yesterday and she asked me something that I can't stop thinking about because i don't know the answer to it. She asked me If i accept the fact that I make mistakes?

last night i went to best at like midnight or some shit then i woke up at five my headache that i initially went to bed with still there. Stayed up til everybody went to work and then went back to bed. I am so grateful for Socky. I would never feel safe enough to go back to bed with out him laying next to me. One dog laying in bed with me. Another dog laying outside the door incase any bad people come. How could one ever feel unsafe.

Im not excited for the future anymore. Im not excited about anything thats supposed to make my life better. Why give these things the light of day when life is always going to be shitty. Forget about packing and binding theres no point in being happy anymore. Forget about college and Wonder Wolfe gallery and the trans thrift shop. Sure it matters its supposed to makes peoples life better but it wont do shit for mine.

Give all the happiness I could have had to her. I don't want it.

Its weird I was thinking last night how I am not one for physical love. I don't really need it. I need some but not a lot. What I need is someone who is able to be there for me emotionally. But that seems to be the roots of so many of our problems because i am fucked up emotionally. On the contrary She of course needs emotional love but she is someone that needs way more physical love. So at least we got the physical part right about us.

I feel so fucked up. Do I accept that I make mistakes. I feel like when I make mistakes they are huge problem causing mistakes and i can't forgive myself for them till I change. but change how do i change. how do i change the wiring in my brain. . . . i can't do this without help abut i cna't get help right now.

people make fun of me or put me down because im a 26 year old that needs help finding help but i . . .this is really hard for me and my disabled brain. nothing makes sense.

I think I am just going to start writing here again so i can take my feelings elsewhere. I know I can't rely on her for everything and I don't know why i did. I never had this before so maybe im just doing it because im not sure how this normally works i don't know. But i went so long without anyone support other than like one teacher and i honestly don't see why i can't do that again minus the teacher.

people care i know but i have a strong urge to scream no one fucking cares right now.

looking back on how obsessed I was with bestie I do see that I go over the top with people but i thought this was different I mean you are my fiancee. I have reached out to bestie when I wasn't well and needed support you know what happened. nothing. becuase she isn't reliable. I reached out to daughter yesterday and to be honest I could have talked to her but I know ow easily distracted she is and she was with friends and If i am venting to you and in of help I need you to be focused on what I am saying and not ditch me the way she does. So yes I normally only go to you for support but thats about to change cause i don't need your support no more. That sounds really harsh like i'm kicking you to the curb but its not more like i got me.

at the end of the day the only reason i reach out to you more is because you are reliable.


you don't need my craziness right now you never do and this is why i don't deserve you

Badass

Dear Badass,

How many surgeries is this going to take? I will hold your hand through them all, leave my phone on through the night, be your ear when you are afraid, and show you all the care but honestly I hope this is the only one. I don't want to see you go through this. You need to be with me or at least within reach. You would have really enjoyed the hinterlands tonight. It was very grungy in the way you and I like it. and there was a lot of dancing. When I first walked in to the theater there was this tall guy wearing a suit and a top hat practicing his dance on stage and all I could see was you.

I love you. I miss you. I can't wait for this to be over. . .

I miss your cute dances, your adorableness and the way you sing. I have mp3s of you singing and i listen to them all the time.

At one point in the show the actors said they were going to go play baseball but it was base ball. so this girl kicked a guy in the balls.

Then there was another section where we were calling feminists pussyriders. I think that title is just funny to people like you and me.

Then we were handed plastic bags and ordered to make music with them. We were the orchestra and the actor was conducting us.

Oh yeah the announcer started to list off all these 50 disco type bands and no one knew who there were but then he mentioned Death and everybody started to clap. . . I laughed. I think you would have liked that part!

People came around and served us Faygo

I miss your laugh.

I hate that I couldn't see you last night. . . I bawled my eyes our forever. . .

I know people think i'm crazy for reacting this way like give it a rest AJ you are doing this to yourself. but people don't understand what you have done for me, what you mean to me and that I want to spend every chance I get with you and when I don't I fucken crumble. . . :(

Somedays i'm average and other days i'm below average but i am never beautiful

I need to get out of the America. I don't belong here. My kind doesn't belong here. 

Honestly sometime I wonder why I care about you? It never does me any good. Just gets me in more trouble. And sometimes I just wish you'd stop caring about me so much. I just need you to back off.

Untitled and Unknown

To many feels that I can no longer feel a thing. My brain and comprehension of what is going on has shut shut down. I don't know anymore. So numb that I don't know how to express myself right now but I know its there.

What if

What if I told you that I miss you too

What if I told you that I am aching for you

What If I told you that I send you kisses and hugs all the time and all I wanna do is kiss your forehead and calm you

What if I told you that I was your anon this whole time- I believe you and everything you said.

What if I told you that the whole reason I never gave up on you is because I knew you could do better.

What if I told you that you do to deserve me - I love you

What if I told you I am writing this blog about you

What if I told you I forgive you- you still need to prove yourself to me though-

What if. . .

What if I told you I wanna talk to you.

Where do I begin.

So many things I want to say. So dumb as to how to phrase it.

What if I told you I am happily numb right now

What if I told you that you made me want to cry

What if I told you that I sometimes go looking for your youtube videos just so I can hear your adorable voice again and the way your face scrunches up is so beautiful it makes my heart melt.

I'm sure you are totally different person outside then the last time I saw you but that doesn't change who you are in that body of yours.