Badass

Dear Badass,

How many surgeries is this going to take? I will hold your hand through them all, leave my phone on through the night, be your ear when you are afraid, and show you all the care but honestly I hope this is the only one. I don't want to see you go through this. You need to be with me or at least within reach. You would have really enjoyed the hinterlands tonight. It was very grungy in the way you and I like it. and there was a lot of dancing. When I first walked in to the theater there was this tall guy wearing a suit and a top hat practicing his dance on stage and all I could see was you.

I love you. I miss you. I can't wait for this to be over. . .

I miss your cute dances, your adorableness and the way you sing. I have mp3s of you singing and i listen to them all the time.

At one point in the show the actors said they were going to go play baseball but it was base ball. so this girl kicked a guy in the balls.

Then there was another section where we were calling feminists pussyriders. I think that title is just funny to people like you and me.

Then we were handed plastic bags and ordered to make music with them. We were the orchestra and the actor was conducting us.

Oh yeah the announcer started to list off all these 50 disco type bands and no one knew who there were but then he mentioned Death and everybody started to clap. . . I laughed. I think you would have liked that part!

People came around and served us Faygo

I miss your laugh.

I hate that I couldn't see you last night. . . I bawled my eyes our forever. . .

I know people think i'm crazy for reacting this way like give it a rest AJ you are doing this to yourself. but people don't understand what you have done for me, what you mean to me and that I want to spend every chance I get with you and when I don't I fucken crumble. . . :(

Somedays i'm average and other days i'm below average but i am never beautiful

I need to get out of the America. I don't belong here. My kind doesn't belong here. 

Honestly sometime I wonder why I care about you? It never does me any good. Just gets me in more trouble. And sometimes I just wish you'd stop caring about me so much. I just need you to back off.

Untitled and Unknown

To many feels that I can no longer feel a thing. My brain and comprehension of what is going on has shut shut down. I don't know anymore. So numb that I don't know how to express myself right now but I know its there.

What if

What if I told you that I miss you too

What if I told you that I am aching for you

What If I told you that I send you kisses and hugs all the time and all I wanna do is kiss your forehead and calm you

What if I told you that I was your anon this whole time- I believe you and everything you said.

What if I told you that the whole reason I never gave up on you is because I knew you could do better.

What if I told you that you do to deserve me - I love you

What if I told you I am writing this blog about you

What if I told you I forgive you- you still need to prove yourself to me though-

What if. . .

What if I told you I wanna talk to you.

Where do I begin.

So many things I want to say. So dumb as to how to phrase it.

What if I told you I am happily numb right now

What if I told you that you made me want to cry

What if I told you that I sometimes go looking for your youtube videos just so I can hear your adorable voice again and the way your face scrunches up is so beautiful it makes my heart melt.

I'm sure you are totally different person outside then the last time I saw you but that doesn't change who you are in that body of yours.

I love you because you supported me
I love you because you took care of me
I love you because you are inspiring
I love you but I don't dare say this to you till about 5 months from now.

End of the Year Realization

The only reason I ever stopped dreaming about becoming Emergency medical technician was because nobody believed in me. Everybody said I was to slow to be an EMT and that is why I could never do it. I guess I was putting everybody else happiness before my own. That was very stupid of me. I would be on my way to being an EMT right now if it weren't for that.  Truth be told, I am fascinated by criminology, and while maybe EMT would not have been the right fit for me. I still wish my life; my career would be more involved with the police force. But then I would be a part of a shitty legal system that finds marijuana users more dangerous than sex offenders!  It’s weird it’s like everything I wanted to do when I was younger like go in to the military is everything I am against now. Can’t go into the military because I’m fat and short according to their standards and I don’t know how to swim but better yet I can’t and Shouldn't go into the military because war in useless and it kills of many innocents people day in and day out. War is not the way to create peace. We shouldn't have to kill people to create peace.  I digress! Every single time I watch Criminal Minds, NCIS, or Elementary I get really sad because I know I can no longer be a part of law enforcement.  While offering therapeutic services to our Military vets and police officers, EMT’s and Firefighters would be really good insight to what happens to them and the experiences had on the job, it’s not the same as being there and witnessing first-hand what actually happens. If I have any hope of kindling this flame of desire within me it’s to work with the law enforcement, recovering substance abusers in their house or rehab, and military vets. I particularly have a high want to work with the recovering substance abusers in their homes Kind of like how Watson helps Sherlock.  Yes It will be a depressing thing to listen to people talk about their traumatic filled experiences but people have been doing that for years with me So it can be done. It’s how the mental hospitals and therapists make their money anyways by being a service to the therapists because the therapists are to burned out and depressed from listening to everybody else’s shenanigans.

In a sense I feel so lost because I have devoted so much of my life to better educating myself on the struggles and way of life of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual   community as well as the Transgender community when perhaps would I have been more focused on Law enforcement and those topics already discussed? Where do I start to kindle this fire in me? Who do I talk to? How can I improve upon my understanding?

I feel like I have no one to talk about this with because people just dismiss me when I tell them I want to do this. Where do I go to get proper training for this?

What do I do?

How do art therapists get their specialty like LGBT folk, substance abuser, and Military law enforcement vets?  That is what I want my specialties to be

I don’t know maybe my diverse interest in things like the queer communities, substances abusers and law enforcement is just that I love to better understand the traumatic experiences one has gone through. Its sends me on this high. Like a nerdy high because I feel like I am getting smarter. I’m sure if there were to ever come a point where I knew all there is to know about substance abusers, queer folk and law enforcement I’d find another hook to latch on to but doubt that will ever happen.

Scars

  Papa Roach's Scars keeps playing in my head on repeat.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I have never had such bad trust issues before. I am so sick of opening myself up to people just so they can run away. I mean if you are unhappy with me then by all means leave; but if you are not ready to be in a relationship/date me and you know that, then don't you dare step into my world!  I have been fucked by way too many people I don't want to add you to the list. You are not like them but you sure are heading down that road.

When you go to the library to try and find LGB books on breaking up, heartache or such subjects; It is not a happy trip because such books do not excist.

They say happiness comes from inside. Its inside of me somewhere. It pops out everyonce in a while but it only lasts for a little bit then it dwindles away. It only seems to come out when I am looking at psychedelic images, listing to psychedelic rock and wearing hippie gear. Everybody laughs at me and starts giving me excuses why young people should have no interest in the hippie culture. Little do they know it is one of the only wasy I can play games with my head to be happy. Sometimes that doesn't even do the trick but it is the only thing that seems to be working. That and reading books nonstop. I have read so many books this break it is insane.

I haven't been able to cry over all this of late except for when I am with my father. Last night I was in the car with my him and Sugarland's - Stay was on. I was ready to cry but I can't cry infront of my dad. It will be like a coming out all over again. I don't want him to care about why I am crying because then I will have to spill my life out to someone again. Why can't I just cry and that be it. Do I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand yes. But nobody understands. People at school think Its all my fault, some of them aren't mature enough to be in a relationship, some are having their own relationship issues, some judge me too much because they have seen me fall apart following the end of a relationship too many times. My sister, i'd love to talk to her about this and for the most part I do but sometimes I just can't because I feel weird talking to her about being these things when she didn't know what her home was at my age. and my dad he tries but he just doesnt get it.

Then when I was hugging my dad goonight and he cuddled me I was tearing up. Luckly the lights were out so he couldnt see a thing. I want to feel as safe outside of his arms as I feel when I am in his arms.

Why do people blame their relationship problems on emotional issues. In some cases its a legit excuse but for you and me no. We are all emotionally fucked in this world. Does that mean none of us are going to find love. NO! But whats the point in trying. I mean both of the people I previously dated all played the same game with me. I suppose that makes it my fault like I'm attracting the wrong group of people or not taking care of my self enough. The problem is I give people too many tries. but What if I didn't give them a second chance at all and it was meant to be. I'd rather regret trying than not trying. I had a hard enough time trusting them but you. I don't know.

Thank you for setting me free but I wish I knew what the future held for us so I know how much I need to get over you. Don't regret loving sombody because we all need love; just regret letting yourself be used.