End of the Year Realization

The only reason I ever stopped dreaming about becoming Emergency medical technician was because nobody believed in me. Everybody said I was to slow to be an EMT and that is why I could never do it. I guess I was putting everybody else happiness before my own. That was very stupid of me. I would be on my way to being an EMT right now if it weren't for that.  Truth be told, I am fascinated by criminology, and while maybe EMT would not have been the right fit for me. I still wish my life; my career would be more involved with the police force. But then I would be a part of a shitty legal system that finds marijuana users more dangerous than sex offenders!  It’s weird it’s like everything I wanted to do when I was younger like go in to the military is everything I am against now. Can’t go into the military because I’m fat and short according to their standards and I don’t know how to swim but better yet I can’t and Shouldn't go into the military because war in useless and it kills of many innocents people day in and day out. War is not the way to create peace. We shouldn't have to kill people to create peace.  I digress! Every single time I watch Criminal Minds, NCIS, or Elementary I get really sad because I know I can no longer be a part of law enforcement.  While offering therapeutic services to our Military vets and police officers, EMT’s and Firefighters would be really good insight to what happens to them and the experiences had on the job, it’s not the same as being there and witnessing first-hand what actually happens. If I have any hope of kindling this flame of desire within me it’s to work with the law enforcement, recovering substance abusers in their house or rehab, and military vets. I particularly have a high want to work with the recovering substance abusers in their homes Kind of like how Watson helps Sherlock.  Yes It will be a depressing thing to listen to people talk about their traumatic filled experiences but people have been doing that for years with me So it can be done. It’s how the mental hospitals and therapists make their money anyways by being a service to the therapists because the therapists are to burned out and depressed from listening to everybody else’s shenanigans.

In a sense I feel so lost because I have devoted so much of my life to better educating myself on the struggles and way of life of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual   community as well as the Transgender community when perhaps would I have been more focused on Law enforcement and those topics already discussed? Where do I start to kindle this fire in me? Who do I talk to? How can I improve upon my understanding?

I feel like I have no one to talk about this with because people just dismiss me when I tell them I want to do this. Where do I go to get proper training for this?

What do I do?

How do art therapists get their specialty like LGBT folk, substance abuser, and Military law enforcement vets?  That is what I want my specialties to be

I don’t know maybe my diverse interest in things like the queer communities, substances abusers and law enforcement is just that I love to better understand the traumatic experiences one has gone through. Its sends me on this high. Like a nerdy high because I feel like I am getting smarter. I’m sure if there were to ever come a point where I knew all there is to know about substance abusers, queer folk and law enforcement I’d find another hook to latch on to but doubt that will ever happen.

Scars

  Papa Roach's Scars keeps playing in my head on repeat.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I have never had such bad trust issues before. I am so sick of opening myself up to people just so they can run away. I mean if you are unhappy with me then by all means leave; but if you are not ready to be in a relationship/date me and you know that, then don't you dare step into my world!  I have been fucked by way too many people I don't want to add you to the list. You are not like them but you sure are heading down that road.

When you go to the library to try and find LGB books on breaking up, heartache or such subjects; It is not a happy trip because such books do not excist.

They say happiness comes from inside. Its inside of me somewhere. It pops out everyonce in a while but it only lasts for a little bit then it dwindles away. It only seems to come out when I am looking at psychedelic images, listing to psychedelic rock and wearing hippie gear. Everybody laughs at me and starts giving me excuses why young people should have no interest in the hippie culture. Little do they know it is one of the only wasy I can play games with my head to be happy. Sometimes that doesn't even do the trick but it is the only thing that seems to be working. That and reading books nonstop. I have read so many books this break it is insane.

I haven't been able to cry over all this of late except for when I am with my father. Last night I was in the car with my him and Sugarland's - Stay was on. I was ready to cry but I can't cry infront of my dad. It will be like a coming out all over again. I don't want him to care about why I am crying because then I will have to spill my life out to someone again. Why can't I just cry and that be it. Do I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand yes. But nobody understands. People at school think Its all my fault, some of them aren't mature enough to be in a relationship, some are having their own relationship issues, some judge me too much because they have seen me fall apart following the end of a relationship too many times. My sister, i'd love to talk to her about this and for the most part I do but sometimes I just can't because I feel weird talking to her about being these things when she didn't know what her home was at my age. and my dad he tries but he just doesnt get it.

Then when I was hugging my dad goonight and he cuddled me I was tearing up. Luckly the lights were out so he couldnt see a thing. I want to feel as safe outside of his arms as I feel when I am in his arms.

Why do people blame their relationship problems on emotional issues. In some cases its a legit excuse but for you and me no. We are all emotionally fucked in this world. Does that mean none of us are going to find love. NO! But whats the point in trying. I mean both of the people I previously dated all played the same game with me. I suppose that makes it my fault like I'm attracting the wrong group of people or not taking care of my self enough. The problem is I give people too many tries. but What if I didn't give them a second chance at all and it was meant to be. I'd rather regret trying than not trying. I had a hard enough time trusting them but you. I don't know.

Thank you for setting me free but I wish I knew what the future held for us so I know how much I need to get over you. Don't regret loving sombody because we all need love; just regret letting yourself be used.