Rotten Shoes

My life fucken sucks right now.
Everything inside of me is starting to surface in ways I never would have thought they would.
You were the only one out of everybody to never hurt me, scare me, called me names, or do any other sort of painful thing to me. Yet your also the only one that is causing me all this pain that I feel now a days. All this pain has made me realize that I am not mad at you for leaving me, I'm mad and jealous because all your "local" friends get to celebrate your strides with you but I'm stuck over here and I cant do squat for you to show you how proud I am of you and how happy I am for you. They get to go out with you while I'm over here and all I can do is send you my love via the telephone and a letter.  It hurts and it makes me cry. like it has for the past three days now. its not the same. I want to be able to hug and kiss you. Do you know how happy it made me when I kissed you. I probably haven't kissed you since I was like five. If I did I sure don't remember it.  I felt like I was finally getting through to you how much I love you. It also made me realize that I don't want you back home I just need to be close enough to you that I can leave you alone so you can spread your wings and fly how you want to but near enough that we can hang out and support each other and be there for each other through the thick and thin. Don't tell me that we would find away to see each other if something happened because that not what I want. I want us to be able to drive the car to each other so we can celebrate special events and hold each other up when we are crashing down. I want to hear you voice on more then a telephone or computer. Sometimes I watch your videos not for the content but for the sound of your voice. Now this I mean I always knew this time would come. Not that you really had a family here in the first place but it pains me because your new family knows you better than me; someone who is your blood family. I don't know who you are I never really did but I knew you enough to take precautions when you came over and make it work for you. I have at least seven more years of college left if not more. You'll almost be forty by then and I would still have no fucken relationship with you and no clue who you are. It pains me to think that I could be so damn old but still not know who you are. I really just want to move to where you are after I am done with school. (I was thinking that maybe I could just go to school there after my masters since they offer what I want from my states college but I cant cause I love me some jump around.) Though I want to be there for my other family I find it to be so easy to just leave them alone. I feel like you are even more less of the family becasue you will soon not even be one of me i think you always wanted to be something other then me cause you dislike it so much. Secondly, I am just afraid; afraid to be alone. I do not know how to do squat in this world. I know I am young and some of its just a matter of learning but the rest of it i just cant do. This world seems to be a filled with a bunch of lunatics, crying and pain and that's all it ever will be. There's nothing great about being alive. No that's not a suicidal warning but seriously there's never a happy day like it used to be. I haven't been happy for years and I have no clue what it was that made me so happy. I used to smile but now I cant bring my face to hold a smile its always a frown.  Maybe that's why I wish I was still sick with Epilepsy. Did you know that alot of my epilepsy medications is also used to cure depression/bipolar disorder maybe that's why I was always so much more happy because the pills were doing there job and increasing my serotonin levels I have always wondered why after they did work on my brain that life seemed to suck badly afterwords.