I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I have never had such bad trust issues before. I am so sick of opening myself up to people just so they can run away. I mean if you are unhappy with me then by all means leave; but if you are not ready to be in a relationship/date me and you know that, then don't you dare step into my world! I have been fucked by way too many people I don't want to add you to the list. You are not like them but you sure are heading down that road.
When you go to the library to try and find LGB books on breaking up, heartache or such subjects; It is not a happy trip because such books do not excist.
They say happiness comes from inside. Its inside of me somewhere. It pops out everyonce in a while but it only lasts for a little bit then it dwindles away. It only seems to come out when I am looking at psychedelic images, listing to psychedelic rock and wearing hippie gear. Everybody laughs at me and starts giving me excuses why young people should have no interest in the hippie culture. Little do they know it is one of the only wasy I can play games with my head to be happy. Sometimes that doesn't even do the trick but it is the only thing that seems to be working. That and reading books nonstop. I have read so many books this break it is insane.
I haven't been able to cry over all this of late except for when I am with my father. Last night I was in the car with my him and Sugarland's - Stay was on. I was ready to cry but I can't cry infront of my dad. It will be like a coming out all over again. I don't want him to care about why I am crying because then I will have to spill my life out to someone again. Why can't I just cry and that be it. Do I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand yes. But nobody understands. People at school think Its all my fault, some of them aren't mature enough to be in a relationship, some are having their own relationship issues, some judge me too much because they have seen me fall apart following the end of a relationship too many times. My sister, i'd love to talk to her about this and for the most part I do but sometimes I just can't because I feel weird talking to her about being these things when she didn't know what her home was at my age. and my dad he tries but he just doesnt get it.
Then when I was hugging my dad goonight and he cuddled me I was tearing up. Luckly the lights were out so he couldnt see a thing. I want to feel as safe outside of his arms as I feel when I am in his arms.
Why do people blame their relationship problems on emotional issues. In some cases its a legit excuse but for you and me no. We are all emotionally fucked in this world. Does that mean none of us are going to find love. NO! But whats the point in trying. I mean both of the people I previously dated all played the same game with me. I suppose that makes it my fault like I'm attracting the wrong group of people or not taking care of my self enough. The problem is I give people too many tries. but What if I didn't give them a second chance at all and it was meant to be. I'd rather regret trying than not trying. I had a hard enough time trusting them but you. I don't know.
Thank you for setting me free but I wish I knew what the future held for us so I know how much I need to get over you. Don't regret loving sombody because we all need love; just regret letting yourself be used.
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